To my beautiful 'Gothic' Angel, Kyra

The greatest love of all

My dearest Kyra,

I have been loving you from the moment I knew that you were a little person in progress, growing within me. The love I feel for you is a love so deep, so pure… It stems from a place within my core and being…. The love I feel for you is indescribable and the greatest love of all.

You have grown from that little person in progress into an insanely beautiful young woman. You are not just beautiful to look at, but you have such a radiant soul my Missy J. Watching who you are becoming within, makes me so incredibly proud.

Mummy believes in you and I adore who and what you are. You are gorgeous, eccentric, artistic, talented, intelligent, confident and so much more. You are amazing in every way possible… one of a kind… you are exceptional…you are UNIQUE… You are my daughter…

You still take my breath away… You are simply the most precious, divine, radiant and beautiful being and soul that I have been gifted to be a mother to.

I cherish every moment of my life with you Missy J. I love who you are, and I will spend a lifetime and beyond loving you… unconditionally and infinitely… until the end of time.

I love you
xxxxxxx


Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

MOTHER

Gratitude...

The greatest gift to a mother is her child/ren. The greatest gift to a child, is a mother.

Mamma… you have been my mentor, my teacher, my strength and you have helped guide me and mould me into who I am today.

I look back on the years we have shared and I am blessed and grateful. I am seen as 'Angel' now, it is part of who I have become… but it stems from you Ma… You have been an 'Angel-Mum'.

You have taught me life skills and you have shown and given me nurturing, caring, kindness, support, patience, faith and greatness, and all through divine and unconditional love.

You are my inspiration Ma. All of the qualities I have within me, the self-love, the confidence, the gratitude, the love and light… the things those around me say they see radiate from within me … are qualities I have learned from you, qualities you instilled within my core.

Thank you Mamma… thank you for choosing to raise me and take care of me. Thank you for wiping my tears of sadness, thank you for sharing in my joy and happiness. Thank you for having faith in me, believing in me and for supporting my life choices. Thank you for being who you are Ma… Great-Grandmother, Grandmother and thank you for being my Mother. Most importantly, I thank you for showing me how to be the best mum I can be, to Kyra.

I appreciate and cherish you… I love you, always.

xxx

Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

AIMEE DE LA HARPE

My dearest Aimz,

Writing this proved to be so much more of an emotional experience, than what I expected. But you have been in mind, and this time of year, and on this day, it is always time to pay tribute to you.

To strangers and people glued to the media hype, you were merely known as "The 15 year old girl who filmed her own suicide", in 2006. Thinking about you the past week and anticipating today and wondering what a fitting 'gift' would be this year, I went back and read all the posts, news reports and comments that were posted and published about you, online… I shouldn't have…The things people said about you… the way they viewed, portrayed and judged you, still angers me… but saddens me more, because they did not KNOW you Baby-Girl. They took your personal blog entries and used what you had written out of context… They surely managed to create their own hype sensation and people, strangers... were hanging at their every word. They saw what they wanted to see. I saw YOU my dear Aimee.

I was a Teacher, you a learner, but we connected from the first time we met. I find myself thinking back on the after school conversations we used to have… Some times light conversations about this and that… other times we'd speak about how you loved your art and photography and how proud I was that at 15, you had already had a professional studio showing of your work. It was an outlet for your emotions, including the 'clouded' side of you… a way of expressing how you felt and viewed the world around you… the beauty that surrounded you, but also the darker side of things. You were so incredibly talented. And admittedly, there were times we spoke about and discussed your depression and how low you sometimes felt, and the reasons behind those emotions. But there were days of happy, joyful and fun conversations about boys, and parties and every day life.

Aimz you were exceptionally beautiful, artistic and eccentric in your ways… And you have been one of the most influential souls that had crossed my path and my journey, if only for a short while.

You are imprinted on my soul… I don't know why, but you are, and I am grateful for that impression you have left within me. Thank you.

On Wednesday, 10 May 2006, at the tender age of 15, my dear Aimee De La Harpe, you took your own life... your decision changed our world and our perception of the world around us... Your decision may not have been the right one for those left behind... but Baby-Girl, as much as you are thought of, as much as you are missed, I realised, even back then, THAT IT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOU... And that is ALL that matters. As strange as it may seem to others, I respect the choice/s you made.

You were courageous and I just know you are soaring high and free girl… And hey... you did indeed show 'them' ;)

Keep flying… circle around the Johnson's from time to time… We miss you.

Your gift this year… finally an actual recording of me covering/singing the song I dedication to you back then. I must admit, it was hard getting through the song on an emotional level… for many reasons… But I did it… just for you… I will be up loading your song a little later today, and tonight when I am out singing, I will sing one of your other favourite songs as well, I promise.

FLY – (Written by Jean-Jacques Goldman and Phil Galdston. Originally performed by C. Dion)

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forever more
But hold this memory bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
BUT I WON'T FORGET

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Much, much love
Nat
xxx

SELF-LOVE and discovery

Hey guys and gals,

this is quite a long read, but you will want to read it to the end, so grab a cup of coffee and sit back...

The definition of Self-love, is the instinct or desire to seek and promote one's own well-being… so, simply put, it is love for thy self… (Self-love is not to be confused with Self-esteem or Self-worth… though those will eventually flow naturally from loving oneself).

I have come across two kinds of people, throughout my life thus far… those that take, take, and take some more… and those that give freely, selflessly and unconditionally, until their own well/cup is empty and has run dry. Sadly, I have come across many more takers, than givers. When I refer to give and take, I refer to it in a sense of emotional and psychological value… not monetary or materialistically.

For us 'givers', there comes a point or place in time, where we have to part ways with the people that drain us and let them go. People that are EMOTIONAL PARASITES not only cause you self-doubt, distress and uncertainty, but drain you emotionally, mentally and psychologically as well, and I believe, they can actually cause you physical illness.

I have always used the analogy, of a bank account… People make withdrawals over and over again, without depositing anything back into the account (INTO YOU), eventually, that account is empty and in arrears… So let your Self-love start by letting go of the people that make you unhappy, the people that judge you, the people that want you to change, the people that expect you to prove yourself, the people that use and abuse you and only need you when they are down and out but are never there for you, the people that drag/put you down. Let those go that take and make emotional withdrawals, without depositing back into, or replenishing that 'account'. Do not let the behaviour or decisions of others, destroy your inner-self and diminish your self-love. Love yourself enough to make the decision to let the 'emotional parasites' in your life go.

Let go of the baggage that weighs you down. Remember that you do not NEED anyone in your life to live or to complete you… You CHOOSE who you want to walk along your path or which souls you want to share your journey with, be it in a love, friendship, or even work related situation, because you choose to WANT them there. So let go of the people, beings and souls that bring negativity and darkness into your life. You don't need or want people in your life that break you down, more than what they build you up. You don't need beings in your life that causes you self-doubt. LET THEM GO. Set them free… set YOURSELF free to soar and explore your true self. Experience your inner world, and the beauty that the world outside of and around you holds and has to offer, without restriction and inhibition. WANT, CHOOSE and ACCEPT people, souls and beings into your life, that create equality and BALANCE within your own being and existence.

You may be letting some people go, people you care about, and that could be heart breaking. However, think of it this way… firstly, you are allowing them to start their own new journey and chapter in their lives (you are giving them a gift), and secondly, you are creating space for beautiful beings and souls to bring a divine lightness and love into your own life. Beings that show love, tenderness, truthfulness, respect and appreciation, for who you are and not who they want or think you should be. Choose people that accept you for who you are now, in this moment. People that will help open a window to your soul and give you a view of your own inner-being, of yourself. Some of those people may walk along side you for a life time… others just for a short while. Choosing and allowing souls that bring those positive aspects into your life to share in your journey, will be rewarding not just for you and your inner-self, but for those around you as well. You will be more content and feel more balanced, which in turn means, the people around you will see and experience a happier and truer you and they will love and appreciate you for that.

Be selfish ... Yes, I said "BE SELFISH", and stop feeling guilty about it. (I am of course referring to an emotional state). You are allowed to be selfish and do for yourself, BEFORE you do for others… How can you be the best you, you can be, without putting yourself first? Yes, we are taught that our husbands/wives, girl/boyfriends, children, family, friends etcetera, should always come first. How often do we hear others say, or even admit ourselves, that everything we do, we do for them, for the people we love…? Think about it logically… How do you give the best of YOU, to your partner, children, family, friends or even at work, if you are not at the best you, you can possibly be? My bottom line, and what I mean when I say "be selfish", is that if you want to give the best of you, of yourself to others, learn to PUT YOURSELF FIRST, be aware of your own needs and do for yourself, replenish the account of 'you', that others have tapped out. Fill your own cup until it is full and overflowing... Nurture yourself so that you are ABLE to do for others. The more strength, light and love shine from within FOR YOURSELF, the more love, light, strength and support you can give and shine onto those around you.

ACCEPT who you are… if there are certain traits or aspects of/about yourself that you feel you want or need to change, let it be your own choice and decision, and not because of what other's may have said or told you that you could/should change. Change, in any form is a personal choice and experience and shouldn't be influenced by others. Change is a transformation that only YOU can decide upon and achieve…

Allow yourself honesty and live with integrity, learn to trust your instincts and to trust yourself, BELIEVE in who and what you are. Appreciate yourself and grant yourself the self-respect and dignity that you know you deserve, show GRATITUDE for who and what YOU are and what you have… Nourish your inner-being, nourish your body... Cry when you want/need to, it is not weakness... it cleanses the heart, mind and soul… Laugh, experience true, pure and utter joy, dance, sing, love and live every moment… Life is too short to not be living and loving at your full potential and with a great sense of self-love.

For some people, the questions beg: Do you even KNOW the real 'you'? Have you lost yourself and forgotten who and what the real you are? Do you even like who you are? You cannot love yourself, if you don't even know who you actually are. Take time to get to know your true self again. IT TAKES A SILENT MIND, TO READ YOUR OWN INNER CORE WITH UTTER AND INFINITE TRUTH. You have to learn to LIKE yourself, before you can actually love yourself….

Affirmations aren't for everyone, but it works for some, so try it and discover whether or not it works for you… Start a Gratitude and Affirmation journal… start with what you appreciate about yourself, what you know makes you unique and special as a being and as an individual… Write about what you are grateful for about yourself and about your life, on that day, in that instant, in that very moment. Keep it positive, don't make it about what you want to or think others want you to change… This is about you, within, RIGHT NOW, and how you can build and expand on your love for the present, existing you.

If you feel as though you have failed yourself,(NOT OTHERS), search within and take note of what went wrong. You cannot change the past and the decisions you made, but you can choose and decide what you want right now, in this moment. Accept your mistakes and forgive yourself and LET GO OF THE GUILT and move forward. Give yourself credit for all the right decisions you have made and have lived.

Allow yourself emotional, mental, psychological and soulful healing… Find and get to know your inner-self, your inner-beauty, your inner-peace. "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself"…

So go on a journey of self discovery... get to know yourself. Like the person you are. Achieve a state of being self-loved.

Your life journey is about loving, giving, learning, experiencing and evolving into the best you, you can be. This journey of self-love and discovery is a wide open, never ending road. Love, appreciate and cherish every moment of your travels.

Love and Light
Nat
xxx

Building my puzzle (1)

Hi peeps,

this blog in particular, will be about life in ALL aspects, and what it holds. I will start off with my own life experiences, so it will be of a personal nature for now… The moments that made a difference and are etched in my memory. I will tell you about my childhood, and will write and post about the people that shaped me and guided me.

It may start out being about my life, however it is not all about me, myself and I… I will be writing about the people and souls that have crossed my path, and had been, or still are, a part of my life's journey. I will also be sharing my thoughts on many vast and sometimes what seems to be 'taboo' topics… and much more.

Basically, the next few posts and updates, will be about the puzzle pieces, that have formed a part of my "picture".

It is easy to judge a book by its cover… but read within the pages of even a dull cover, and a beautiful story or tale may be hidden within… My life is not one chapter or even just one single book... My life is a library and there is so much that I can and want to share.

This first part may seem a little boring at first gllance, reading about my childhood… however, you'll want to read all about my teenaged years ;)

Let me tell you a little about where I began my journey…

Born 21 January 1976, I grew up in Melville. A beautiful, eccentric suburb in Johannesburg, South Africa. I was raised by my Paternal Grandparents. Ma and Oupa (whom I also referred to as Dad). Two of the most inspirational people in my life. Although I do have a brother and three sisters, I grew up as an 'only' child, however, I was by no means lonely. I had the privilege of an amazing childhood. There were other people privy and part of my upbringing. My Father, my amazing Uncle. Even my biological mother in some ways. And of course growing up in close knit relationships with my cousins… My schooling years, my educators and mentors and childhood friends, all formed a basis of my existence. Yes, over the years, some of those bonds have deteriorated or were even broken, but it still remains a part of who and what I became... who and what I am and who and what I am still becoming.

With my family being involved in the Boxing and (then) Wrestling industry/world, I was privileged to many trips to many places, staying at exotic hotels and being a part of championship and historic Boxing fights and events. Boxers such as Brian Baronett, Charlie Ware, Gerrie Coetzee, Brian Mitchell, Herold Volbrecgt, and so many more, formed a part of my childhood. Wrestlers such as Jan Wilkens, Danie Voges, The Strongbo Brothers etcetera were all a part of my daily life and upbringing.

It wasn't all fun and games. Even as young, small children, my cousins and I were taught a solid work ethic. We helped with setting up chairs, numbering them, 'roping' and covering the ring ropes, ushering and seating, catering, selling tickets and much more. Being a part of a huge Championship, International fight/event at a place like the Superbowl at Sun City and other Southern Sun/Sun International venues, or The Standard Bank Arena, Ellis Park, Loftus, Wembley… the list is endless… was a thrilling experience.

With all the boxing and wrestling events, we still somehow managed to spend and enjoy quality family time together. There were the farms, the animals, the horseback riding, the camping, boating and water skiing. As a child, I got to go on the most amazing family holidays, each and every school holiday. There was always something to do together, something to appreciate.

Music and singing had always been my passion. I learnt to play instruments and music was just a part of my daily life, growing up. My great grandfather had a passion for the organ, and that was the first instrument I learnt to play. I then took on piano, guitar and what ever instrument I could get my hands on. My Grandmother (whom will be referred to as my mum in further posts) has the voice of an angel and my biological dad sings as well. So music is just a part of my bloodline… which leads me to my teenaged years…

I was by no means an easy teen. I was (and still am) "The wild one" and the 'rebel' in our family. The one that was 'spoilt' (still am). The extrovert that took life on as an individual and chose her own path. The one that went out singing every night of the week, regardless of school assignments and exams. The one smoking at a young age (too young). The one that got involved with 'the wrong' crowds.

I was the one that dressed in the skimpiest of clothes. The one that made friends with mainly the boys and was labelled for it. You know what I mean… if you are hanging around with the guys and dressed a certain way, assumptions are made that you are common , a slut, a whore… may I just add, I was none of that.

It's actually ironic that even at this point in my life, at the age of 36, my best friends , the people that I hold dearest and that I choose to walk in my soul and share my life's journey… the ones I trust and cherish most, are mostly all men, even now.

As I mentioned earlier, music was a part of my bloodline, my growing up years and most definitely a part of the discovery of ME during my teenaged years… The first time I realised, that I didn't just have a 'nice' singing voice, but could actually sing and that I was actually kind of talented, was one of my nights out, with my first long term boyfriend (We'll just call him Mr. X). He is not to be confused with my first LOVE, my kindred spirit, my T~Angel (but that is a topic for a different chapter or blog… one day…). I think my mum prayed throughout the entire relationship with Mr. X, that we would break up. Her prayers were eventually answered after almost 3 years.

In the early 90's, Mr. X and I stumbled upon this little corner Karaoke pub, at Gold Reef City. We spent just about every weekend there. I never wrote out a song request or even picked up the song list. I was never even tempted… I had gotten friendly with the regular crowd there, including the DJ, and just enjoyed spending time there with Mr. X.

Then, after almost 3 or 4 months of going to the pub and just listening to every one singing, the DJ decided, that he was going to just call me up to sing a song, for a laugh. He thought it would be funny, as I obviously don't or can't sing... I of course refused and said " I don't sing", he told me that there is a first time for everything and dragged me to the stage.

"It must have been love", was the song he had chosen for me. When I started with the first note and sang the lyrics "lay a whisper…", his jaw literally dropped and a hush fell over the pub. By the time I got to the high notes in the chorus line, the reaction I received whilst hitting those notes effortlessly, were goose bumps, chills and frantic shouts and applause. I found a missing piece for my picture… I got chills myself and that was my sign. I just knew, "THIS IS ME".

Music truly is a universal language and truly does speak to the soul… and although it has never been my dream to perform or to sing professionally, it is one of the things in my life that feeds my soul. It is such a big part of who I am. I don't want or need a world audience, I just need to sing, for me.

… and so my first long term relationship ended (ironic considering my first song I sang, had a reference to love being over). Our final break up, was actually right outside that same little pub. I was young and able… and all I wanted was to sing. I wanted to be who I am and not be tied down in a relationship infested with jealousy, accusation, abuse (verbal or physical) and mistrust. I was just not willing to sacrifice that part of who I am. I discovered I had wings, I wanted to use them and I was going to fly freely… I was going to soar.

Do I regret my relationship with Mr. X? No, not at all… it was a part of my puzzle, my picture, my life. That relationship taught me some of what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. And there are many good memories that still remain.

The wild child was born. Or rather I was perceived as 'wild'.

Sure, I went to The Doors, Bellanopoli's, White Horse, Masquerades… but if you were looking for me, you would probably find me at Gold Reef City… anywhere from Desley's Karaoke Bar, to Rosie O'Grady's, Barnies and Consolidators... Gold Reef City became my second home. Okay, so I did a lot of incredibly stupid things during, what I call "my Gold Reef years". But I have no regrets. Mistakes were made, who cares? I learnt from each and every right and wrong decision I made and eventually I was mature enough to realize, that it was time to move on from those mistakes. It meant leaving my life at Gold Reef behind. Friends made, memories made (but etched within me). There were a few people during my Gold Reef years, that started completing mere pieces of my puzzle and "picture". People that were a part of my life. People I made and shared mistakes with. But it is a puzzle, and at times we have to start building a new picture and I decided to create my own destiny.

Out of my Gold Reef years I can say that at least three of the souls I met there, remained a part of my life's journey. Both in a direct and in an indirect way. And for that I am grateful.

This Angel was on a learning curve called life and she wanted to fly and explore a bigger world... Nothing was going to stop me from experiencing the beauty I realised awaited in a world far beyond the walls and confines of my Gold Reef years. Out of every mistake, every right decision, every tear, every laugh, through some of the sadness, and through the happiness…. THERE WERE SOME INCREDIBLE LESSONS LEARNED.

… till next time

Love and Light
Nat
xxx